我琢磨了一下，還是勞動人民愛聽的評書和單口相聲土一點。
先拿第一部的介紹為基礎下刀
Summers span decades. Winter can last a lifetime. And the struggle for the Iron Throne has begun.
As Warden of the north, Lord Eddard Stark counts it a curse when King Robert bestows on him the office of the Hand. His honour weighs him down at court where a true man does what he will, not what he must … and a dead enemy is a thing of beauty.
The old gods have no power in the south, Stark’s family is split and there is treachery at court. Worse, the vengeance-mad heir of the deposed Dragon King has grown to maturity in exile in the Free Cities. He claims the Iron Throne.
傷情最是晚涼天,憔悴斯人不堪憐。 邀酒摧腸三杯醉,尋香驚夢五更寒。 釵頭鳳斜卿有淚,荼蘼花了我無緣。 小樓寂寞心宇月,也難如鉤也難圓。
念幾句定場詩，今天咱們講一段魏斯忒大陸的故事。
這魏斯忒大陸在哪兒，誰也不知道，但那地方和咱們這兒大不一樣，咱們這兒一年分春夏秋冬四季，他們那兒一季可得好幾十年！這麽說吧，孩子在冬天生下來，可能到老死也還沒見過夏天。您想想，這老百姓能不苦麽？這公子王孫能閑得住麽？咱要講的就是這麽一段諸侯叛亂。
在這魏斯忒大陸北邊，長城腳下有座臨冬城，城裏有座靖北侯府。這靖北侯姓史，叫史愛德，娶了一位夫人是奔流城屠侯爺家的大小姐。夫婦二人是舉案齊眉，伉儷情深。史屠氏是兒女上有福的人，一共生養了三位少爺，兩位小姐。一家人是和和美美，熱熱鬧鬧。可有一天啊，這就出事了。
出了什麽事呢？這魏斯忒大陸的皇帝白勞波在京城坐不住了，突然說要上史侯爺這地兒來巡視一趟。白勞波沒當上皇帝那會和史侯爺是發小，還差點管史侯爺叫了大舅哥。這又是君臣又是故交，史侯爺能不讓他來麽？於是府上是殺豬宰羊，張燈結彩，心想著是好好招待這天家，別惹出亂子來。
不想皇上來了就下了一道口諭給史侯爺，讓他隨鑾駕進京任職，要封給他一個大丞相。咱們想著進京當相爺不是天大的好事麽？可是史家就犯嘀咕了。這家裏這麽多事不能沒人管，屠夫人走不得，這一大幫孩子全跟著上京也不方便。屠夫人疼丈夫疼孩子是愁得夜不能寐。史侯爺也成天不見笑臉兒，自己總覺得是禍要來了，心說我的陛下啊我的弟兄，你這是難為我！可是君命難違，這史家再不樂意也還是收拾收拾赴任去了。
史侯爺這個人啊，那可是茅房拉屎臉朝外的漢子，說一不二，寧折不彎。打仗沒得說，做官可未必行。這人啊，想要做官出仕，光有能耐可不夠，還得會通融。史侯爺恰恰就是差了這一點，他認準了什麽事對那是非這麽幹不可，哪管得罪不得罪人。所以這史侯爺剛上京不到一年，就被正宮皇後蘭氏和她手下一幫奸臣佞黨給設計謀害了。可憐史侯爺一世清白，忠心不二，竟落了個梟首示眾、家破人亡的下場。
皇上駕崩，史侯爺殞命，跟著史侯爺進京的兩位姐兒就是羊入虎口。大姐史珊莎被那蘭娘娘軟禁宮中，備受欺淩。小妹史艾婭流落街頭，遠走他鄉。史侯爺的死訊傳到北邊去，他家的大少爺史羅柏在父親靈前哭倒三回，發誓要素盔素甲殺進京城，為父報仇。啊呀，這不是要造反麽？！
不過說回來，這白家的天下也是造反搶來的。前朝王家本來姓譚，在海外發家，有秘傳禦龍之術。那龍殺過來，人能擋得住麽？管你多高的武藝，全白給！所以譚家一路摧枯拉朽，直取京城，黃袍加身。不過這譚家皇帝非同一般，他那金鑾殿上放的不是龍椅，是一把鐵椅子。您該問，皇上怎麽坐鐵椅子呢？不嫌涼麽？因為這鐵椅子是用開國高祖皇帝打敗的這些魏斯忒的老王公貴胄的劍化在一塊鑄起來的！意思就是說，你不是不服我麽，可是哪個也得乖乖讓我坐屁股底下。可是這皇位不是那麽好坐的，古往今來多少朝代都是頭幾年勵精圖治，坐穩了就驕奢淫逸。譚家王朝也不例外，是一代不如一代，龍也漸漸都養死了，禦龍之術也失傳了，還出了一位暴虐堪比商紂王的亡國之君。史愛德的父親史老侯爺當年就是被這暴君活活燒死在大堂上。史侯爺的妹子史來娜本來許給了白勞波，也被太子譚雷伽給生生霸占了去。這史、白兩家世子正值年輕氣盛的時候，一怒之下就舉旗造反了。譚家一旦沒了看門的禦龍之術，可就再也壓制不住天下人了，錦繡河山頓時刀兵四起，天家富貴落個滿門鬼哭，就剩了一位皇子和一位公主逃出生天，遠下南洋。
這譚家最後一點血脈本該相依為命，無奈這位皇子譚威賽是個狼心狗肺的禍害，不學無術，成天只想著去奪回他譚家的皇位，從小對這唯一的嫡親妹妹非打即罵。打了還不認，說自己是真龍天子，挨了他的打便是挨了龍的打。這不是癡人說夢是什麽？譚丹妮公主好不容易熬到及笄之年，譚威賽竟然為了招兵買馬把金枝玉葉賣給了窮兇極惡的朵思蠻人頭目。
這才引出一場滔天大禍！
後來想到紅色婚禮很適合村化。
The drums were pounding again, pounding and pounding and pounding.
Dacey Mormont, who seemed to be the only woman left in the hall besides Catelyn, stepped up behind Edwyn Frey, and touched him lightly on the arm as she said something in his ear. Edwyn wrenched himself away from her with unseemly violence. ‘‘No,’’ he said, too loudly. ‘‘I’m done with dancing for the nonce.’’ Dacey paled and turned away. Catelyn got slowly to her feet. What just happened there? Doubt gripped her heart, where an instant before had been only weariness. It is nothing, she tried to tell herself, you are seeing grumkins in the woodpile, youare become an old silly woman sick with grief and fear. But something must have shown on her face. Even Ser Wendel Manderly took note. ‘‘Is something amiss?’’ he asked, the leg of lamb in his hands.
上回咱們講到這屠德慕替外甥去傅家娶親，不想這傅家上下腌臜，竟也生出傅絲霖那麽一個如花似玉的女嬌娥。這屠家大爺喜出望外，歡歡喜喜拜完天地就入了洞房。同來迎親的大小夥子哪個肯這麽放他去快活，一窩蜂跟著搗亂去了。
只聽譙樓上鼓打三更，屠夫人旁邊就剩了莫大娘子一個女客。只見莫大娘子起身去那傅德溫身邊去咬耳朵說要和他比劃兩招，傅德溫一胳膊甩開大娘子，嗷一嗓子說：「我早不幹那號事了！」把莫娘子弄了個大紅臉。屠夫人瞅見這情形突然起了疑心，就覺得這其中肯定是有什麽見不得人的。可是喜酒還沒喝完，大夥兒還都在席上，屠夫人只好勸自己靜靜心，別瞎想。可這人心裏一旦有事，臉上就變顏變色的。對過的滿文德瞧見連羊腿都放下不啃了，問：「屠夫人，你這是咋回事啊？」
She did not answer him. Instead she went after Edwyn Frey. The players in the gallery had finally gotten both king and queen down to their name-day suits. With scarcely a moment’s respite, they began to play a very different sort of song. No one sang the words, but Catelyn knew ‘‘The Rains of Castamere’’ when she heard it. Edwyn was hurrying toward a door. She hurried faster, driven by the music. Six quick strides and she caught him. And who are you, the proud lord said, that I must bow solow? She grabbed Edwyn by the arm to turn him and went cold all over when she felt the iron rings beneath his silken sleeve.
屠夫人沒敢答應老滿，倒是起身悄麽聲地跟著傅德溫，看看他去幹什麽。堂上那些吹鼓手這當口恰好換了一支曲，名喚【卡梅夜雨】。諸位，這歌雖雅，可是忒不吉利，唱的是一樁盛極轉衰、慘遭滅門的真人真事。傅德溫急沖沖就往門口去，屠夫人連忙跟上一把把他揪住。哎喲餵，這一揪不要緊，屠夫人的心就涼了個透，趕情這姓傅的錦袍底下穿著鎖子甲！喜宴上穿鎖甲他是防誰的？他家這是要害人啊！
Catelyn slapped him so hard she broke his lip. Olyvar, she thought, and Perwyn, Alesander, all absent. And Roslin wept . . .
屠夫人立馬火沖頭頂，劈臉就給傅德溫一個耳刮子，打得他嘴都出血了。可是這有什麽用呢？幾個中用的人全鬧洞房去了，一個也不在身邊。
Edwyn Frey shoved her aside. The music drowned all other sound, echoing off the walls as if the stones themselves were playing. Robb gave Edwyn an angry look and moved to block his way... and staggered suddenly as a quarrel sprouted from his side, just beneath the shoulder. If he screamed then, the sound was swallowed by the pipes and horns and fiddles. Catelyn saw a second bolt pierce his leg, saw him fall. Up in the gallery, half the musicians had crossbows in their hands instead of drums or lutes. She ran toward her son, until something punched in the small of the back and the hard stone floor came up to slap her. ‘‘Robb!’’ she screamed. She saw Smalljon Umber wrestle a table off its trestles. Crossbow bolts thudded into the wood, one two three, as he flung it down on top of his king. Robin Flint was ringed by Freys, their daggers rising and falling. Ser Wendel Manderly rose ponderously to his feet, holding his leg of lamb. A quarrel went in his open mouth and came out the back of his neck. Ser Wendel crashed forward, knocking the table off its trestles and sending cups, flagons, trenchers, platters, turnips, beets, and wine bouncing, spilling, and sliding across the floor.
傅德溫把屠夫人撥拉到一邊，自個走了。這大少爺史羅柏一旁冷眼望見可不樂意了，心想我娘是正宗一品誥命夫人還是你們親家，是讓你這麽個撥拉法的？！我可得跟你理論理論，教教你待客的規矩！這麽想著史大少爺就站起來了，走了沒兩步就覺肩下嗖地一涼。樓上吹鼓手只管越吹越熱鬧，這屋裏就聽不見別的動靜。屠夫人聽不見兒子叫喚，可是瞧得真切，老大已經中了兩支冷箭，眼看就要往地上倒。原來樓上樂師裏埋伏著弓箭手！她拔腿就往兒子身邊跑，不知被誰推翻在地，摔得是眼冒金星。屠夫人急得沒等爬起來就沖那邊直喊「兒啊，快跑！」安小景一腿踢起一張飯桌子來，只聽「啪啪啪」三聲，桌子面上就中了三箭。安小景趕緊把這桌子讓史大爺頂著，林洛賓卻讓傅家的人抹肩頭攏二背給捆上了。滿文德剛回過神站起來，還沒忘了那條羊腿呢，一支箭就從嘴裏鉆進去從後脖子穿出來。把這老滿疼得是兩手亂扒拉，桌上的酒菜碗碟砸得遍地都是。
Catelyn’s back was on fire. I have to reach him. The Smalljon bludgeoned Ser Raymund Frey across the face with a leg of mutton. But when he reached for his sword belt a crossbow bolt drove him to his knees. In a coat of gold or a coat of red, a lion still has claws. She saw Lucas Blackwood cut down by Ser Hosteen Frey. One of the Vances was hamstrung by Black Walder as he was wrestling with Ser Harys Haigh. And mine are long and sharp, my lord, as long and sharp as yours. The crossbows took Donnel Locke, Owen Norrey, and half a dozen more. Young Ser Benfrey had seized Dacey Mormont by the arm, but Catelyn saw her grab up a flagon of wine with her other hand, smash it full in his face, and run for the door. It flew open before she reached it. Ser Ryman Frey pushed into the hall, clad in steel from helm to heel. A dozen Frey men-at-arms packed the door behind him. They were armed with heavy long axes.
屠夫人急得屁股都燒著了得快到兒子身邊去啊。這邊小景一羊腿打了傅雷莽一個趔趄，騰出手去拔刀時一箭正中膝蓋，撲通就跪下了。屠夫人四處看看，這周圍死的死，傷的傷，都打成一鍋粥了！史家好漢已經折損大半。就莫大娘子躲得快，拿酒壺左右打出一條路，頭一個跑到門邊上。不想傅力蠻正帶著大小兄弟在門外堵著。
‘‘Mercy!’’ Catelyn cried, but horns and drums and the clash of steel smothered her plea. Ser Ryman buried the head of his axe in Dacey’s stomach. By then men were pouring in the other doors as well, mailed men in shaggy fur cloaks with steel in their hands. Northmen! She took them for rescue for half a heartbeat, till one of them struck the Smalljon’s head off with two huge blows of his axe. Hope blew out like a candle in a storm.
「菩薩保佑！」屋裏又吹又打，屠夫人自己耳朵也聽不見自己喊的佛號。傅力蠻一斧頭把莫大娘子劈作兩半，帶人沖進屋裏。屠夫人還指望有人救駕，就見小景的腦袋也讓這力蠻兩斧頭砍飛出去。
In the midst of slaughter, the Lord of the Crossing sat on his carved oaken throne, watching greedily.
下面刀光血影，只有那傅老爺子坐在席上瞅著直樂。
There was a dagger on the floor a few feet away. Perhaps it had skittered there when the Smalljon knocked the table off its trestles, or perhaps it had fallen from the hand of some dying man. Catelyn crawled toward it. Her limbs were leaden, and the taste of blood was in her mouth. I will kill Walder Frey, she told herself. Jinglebell was closer to the knife, hiding under a table, but he only cringed away as she snatched up the blade. I will kill the old man, I can do that much at least.
屠夫人突見地上一把殺豬刀，許是小景或者哪個死鬼掉在這的。夫人也不顧了，爬過去撿起這刀，心想老娘不殺了你這老不死的墊背！那金鈴兒正鉆在桌子底下躲著，刀就在腳邊上卻拿眼瞅著另一邊。屠夫人正好一手搶過。
Then the tabletop that the Smalljon had flung over Robb shifted, and her son struggled to his knees. He had an arrow in his side, a second in his leg, a third through his chest. Lord Walder raised a hand, and the music stopped, all but one drum. Catelyn heard the crash of distant battle, and closer the wild howling of a wolf. Grey Wind, she remembered too late. ‘‘Heh,’’ Lord Walder cackled at Robb, ‘‘the King in the North arises. Seems we killed some of your men, Your Grace. Oh, but I’ll make you an apology, that will mend them all again, heh.’’
外面人嘶馬喊，隱約還傳來幾聲狼叫。屠夫人氣得直咬牙根，咋忘了還帶著這畜牲呢？這時，小景給羅柏扣的那張桌子動了，史大爺爬起來，脅下腿上胸前各中一箭。傅老爺子擡了擡手，那吹鼓手就都停了，只剩了一個打小咣咣的還打得熱鬧。老傅頭一臉皮笑肉不笑，慢悠悠說：「喲，靖北王這是起來了？我家剛才倒是殺了王爺手下不少人呢，老夫這就給小殿下賠罪，呵呵」
Catelyn grabbed a handful of Jinglebell Frey’s long grey hair and dragged him out of his hiding place. ‘‘Lord Walder!’’ she shouted. ‘‘LORDWALDER!’’ The drum beat slow and sonorous, doom boom doom. ‘‘Enough,’’ said Catelyn. ‘‘Enough, I say. You have repaid betrayal with betrayal, let it end.’’ When she pressed her dagger to Jinglebell’s throat, the memory of Bran’s sickroom came back to her, with the feel of steel at her own throat. The drum went boom doom boom doom boom doom. ‘‘Please,’’ she said. ‘‘He is my son. My first son, and my last. Let him go. Let him go and I swear we will forget this . . . forget all you’ve done here. I swear it by the old gods and new, we . . . we will take no vengeance . . .’’
屠夫人扯看著金鈴兒頭發從桌子底下拖出來，高聲喝道：「傅老瓦！老瓦罐子你夠了！我們以前是對不住你，你今日也討回來了！」屠夫人刀架在金鈴兒脖子上，說：「我們家統共就剩這麽一個獨苗，你要是肯放了我大兒子，讓他活命，不論屠家還是史家日後必不與你計較！皇天在上，我屠凱琳拉了屎從不往回坐！」
Lord Walder peered at her in mistrust. ‘‘Only a fool would believe such blather. D’you take me for a fool, my lady?’’
傅老瓦冷言說：「二傻子才信你那皇天！你這娘們也不是耍我一回了！」
‘‘I take you for a father. Keep me for a hostage, Edmure as well if you haven’t killed him. But let Robb go.’’
屠夫人道：「都是當爹當娘的人，只要你肯放了我兒，我和他舅留下憑你發落！」
‘‘No.’’ Robb’s voice was whisper faint. ‘‘Mother, no . . .’’
史大爺這回離氣若遊絲也不遠了，聽見屠夫人這話急得直哭：「我的親娘你可別呀！」
‘‘Yes. Robb, get up. Get up and walk out, please, please. Save yourself . . . if not for me, for Jeyne.’’
「兒砸，趕緊爬起來走，算娘求你，好死不如賴活著，不為了娘還為了媳婦呢！」
‘‘Jeyne?’’ Robb grabbed the edge of the table and forced himself to stand. ‘‘Mother,’’ he said, ‘‘Grey Wind...’’
「媳婦？」史大爺扶著桌子邊站起來，說：「娘，我那狼⋯」
‘‘Go to him. Now. Robb, walk out of here.’’
「快找你狼去，趕緊逃命！」
Lord Walder snorted. ‘‘And why would I let him do that?’’
傅老瓦鼻子一哼：「你當我傻是怎麽著？」
She pressed the blade deeper into Jinglebell’s throat. The lackwit rolled his eyes at her in mute appeal. A foul stench assailed her nose, but she paid it no more mind than she did the sullen ceaseless pounding of that drum, boom doom boom doom boom doom. Ser Ryman and Black Walder were circling round her back, but Catelyn did not care. They could do as they wished with her; imprison her, rape her, kill her, it made no matter. She had lived too long, and Ned was waiting. It was Robb she feared for. ‘‘On my honor as a Tully,’’ she told Lord Walder, ‘‘on my honor as a Stark, I will trade your boy’s life for Robb’s. A son for a son.’’ Her hand shook so badly she was ringing Jinglebell’s head.
屠夫人又把刀刃兒往金鈴兒脖子上比了比。這呆子光動眼也不知道出聲。傅力蠻和黑老瓦已從後麵包抄過來，屠夫人也顧不上了心說讓他們抓了也就罷了，殺了剮了隨他們便，正好上陰間見史侯爺去。要不是為了兒子，早活膩了。屠夫人道：「我們史家屠家都是名門大戶，從不哄人！我拿你兒子換我兒子，一命換一命你總得答應吧！」
Boom, the drum sounded, boom doom boom doom. The old man’s lips went in and out. The knife trembled in Catelyn’s hand, slippery with sweat. ‘‘A son for a son, heh,’’ he repeated. ‘‘But that’s a grandson . . . and he never was much use.’’
打小鑼的那個手還沒停。老傅頭動了動嘴皮子：「兒子換兒子倒是在理，但你抓的那個特麽是個孫子，還是個十不全！我早不想要這廢物了！」
A man in dark armor and a pale pink cloak spotted with blood stepped up to Robb. ‘‘Jaime Lannister sends his regards.’’ He thrust his longsword through her son’s heart, and twisted.
一個黑甲白袍的䠀著地上的血上前拔刀，噌地紮了史大爺一個透心涼。「這刀是蘭瞻目給你的！」
Robb had broken his word, but Catelyn kept hers. She tugged hard on Aegon’s hair and sawed at his neck until the blade grated on bone. Blood ran hot over her fingers. His little bells were ringing, ringing, ringing, and the drum went boom doom boom.
史少爺一死，屠夫人就瘋了，一刀把金鈴兒拉了個開皮見骨頭。
Finally someone took the knife away from her. The tears burned like vinegar as they ran down her cheeks. Ten fierce ravens were raking her face with sharp talons and tearing off strips of flesh, leaving deep furrows that ran red with blood. She could taste it on her lips.
殺了金鈴兒，這屠夫人也扛不住了，刀什麽時候沒的都不知道，只覺得眼前一群黑老鴰在自己身上撕肉吃。
It hurts so much, she thought. Our children, Ned, all our sweet babes. Rickon, Bran, Arya, Sansa, Robb . . . Robb . . . please, Ned, please, make it stop, make it stop hurting . . . The white tears and the red ones ran together until her face was torn and tattered, the face that Ned had loved. Catelyn Stark raised her hands and watched the blood run down her long fingers, over her wrists, beneath the sleeves of her gown. Slow red worms crawled along her arms and under her clothes. It tickles. That made her laugh until she screamed. ‘‘Mad,’’ someone said, ‘‘she’s lost her wits,’’ and someone else said, ‘‘Make an end,’’ and a hand grabbed her scalp just as she’d done with Jinglebell, and she thought, No, don’t, don’t cut my hair, Ned loves my hair. Then the steel was at her throat, and its bite was red and cold.
侯爺啊，咱們這兒女一個接一個都沒了，侯爺你睜睜眼，你這心尖兒老大也沒了。這是作了什麽孽啊，我可怎麽去見你啊！屠夫人這臉上連血帶淚都沒個人樣了，身上也早就被血泡成紅的了。旁人只見這屠夫人一陣哭一陣笑，都說這娘們是瘋了吧？又有人說那不如給她個痛快！屠夫人這廂只覺頭皮一緊，罵道「哪個王八羔子敢剪你姑奶奶頭發？我這頭發只有侯爺一人動得！」話音未落，屠夫人喉嚨一涼，紅光四濺。可憐江湖上頭一位潑辣豪爽的女當家連同少年出世的大公子，雙雙命喪傅家樓上。
